No more Orphan Handbook on Facebook

Even though I have posted that I was sexually abused as a child I still keep getting crazy stalker idiots who "need to talk to me" posting on my Facebook page. This is very traumatic for me. Men need to learn to leave women the fuck alone. So sadly I will be deleting the Facebook page.

For all of you who really do need this blog....I really do wish you the best. Do what you want in life, don't let anyone fuck you over and follow what makes you happy. I may or may not update this blog and comments are more restricted. If you really "need to talk to me" then get a therapist or a counselor. Others have commented saying their story. But there is no need to have any private messages, I can see through your bullshit.

Im friends with tons of gay guys and they would be more than welcome to harass you right back.

Job advice for Orphans

Just remember we don't have it as easy as others do. We gotta prepare and be ready to kick some ass. This is the second time Ive lost my job in NYC in two years. Each time its in the winter. I guess business gets slow and they cut people. Now I know to prepare for next winter. So I am writing this so you guys can prepare. If you have any other ideas feel free to comment below.

1. Save up - You can lose your job at anytime. And you can't move with family cus they are gone. So save up your money and always have a plan B.

2. Have a plan B- If you lose your job...have other means of income. Other small jobs you can do. Selling vintage clothes in your closet. Use what skills you are good at to make money. Don't just do this in am emergency but cultivate it all your life and make a career out of it. So when some stupid corporation fires you....you are invincible.

3. Have several Resumes - There have been times when I actually had to remove my college education from my resume to get a job. Its called being over qualified and it makes people think you are crazy that you would want to change your field or get a job just to earn money while working on your career from home. You can do whatever you want. Many people change their field. Psychology graduates become DJs and Architect graduates become fashion designers (Ex: Tom Ford).

4. Be gender neutral on your resume - I may have mentioned this before. But i have had to change my name on my resume to a more masculine variation of my name on my resume to get call backs. This is the world we live in. Like using Sam instead of Samantha in order to get a job dishwashing.

5. Good luck with reporting sexual harassment - The first time you report it to your employer they will do something about it. Any more times after that...you are screwed. I just got let go after reporting a coworker who kept following me to the bathroom. Crazy.

6. If you do lost your job...file for unemployment - Its not like we can move back in with our parents. So go a head and file. I once tried to do this before and it was denied by my former employer. Luckily I found a job before moving into my car.

7. Work for the government - You will be more likely be hired if you are female and they will take sexual harassment complaints a lot more seriously. I once worked for campus police writing parking tickets...it was the best job I ever had.

Orphan handbook Author Update

Well. Here is what I did. I got rid of everything except a backpack of some clothes and essentials and took a paid vacation for a week to NYC. I bought my greyhound ticket a few months in advance and so it was cheaper. Under $200. And I went. I did get a hotel. I just spent the night in gay bars (they close at 4am) then slept on trains (they run 24 hours) and then when the sun rose...I slept in central park. I looked like just some college girl resting on a bench. I went to see what the city was like. I loved the idea of not having a car and so much convenience. I couldn't stay in Tulsa. Thats were my mom died and my aunt was supposed to be my guardian....well she isn't speaking to me now. She has never visited me at any of my apartments. Either way I went back to Tulsa and I got rid of everything. I saved up a few months worth of money and put in my two weeks notice and again bought a greyhound bus ticket well in advance and this time it was one way. I took my laptop and phone and iPod and chargers. I didn't have a place to stay....just hung out at gay bars and slept in central park in the day time. I also ran around changing my phone in parks, applying for jobs, looking for a bathroom etc. I was homeless for a week and a half before a got a job as a dishwasher and then two days later got a roommate in Brooklyn. So there, that is how I moved to NYC in hopes of having a better life. My stupid aunt doesn't know where I am. My parent are dead. My brothers and sisters won't speak to me. And I am realizing how much my foster father sexually abused me until the age of seven. I always knew I was more comfortable around gay men. I love them. But sadly the ones in NYC are assholes. A lot of them hate women. So much to where there are gay bars and there are lesbian bars....there are no mixed bars like in Tulsa. I thought that in New York City I could find not only more gay men but more open minds. Maybe find some love. Ya see, sex never felt good for me. Which is probably why no one would stay with me. They wanted a real women that could really do it. In Tulsa I gave up and ran off to the gay bars. I love gay men. I don't feel scared around them. I don't really like girls. I ended up meeting a lot of bisexuals but I still wasn't interested in sex. Eventually I realized that the rumors of my foster father sexually abusing me were true. I went to the doctors for a blood test to check my thyroid medicine and they always ask if I have had my female exam. I lied every time. It was my biggest fear. I went home and wondered why was I so scared. Then I thought about how whenever I was with a boyfriend it would take a long time for me to become comfortable enough to open my legs for him to do anything. And nothing felt good. Not even oral. It hurt. Even at gay bars when the straight guys would find me I would get so scared. Even if this was all in my head....after I graduated from college I got a strange message on myspace from someone claiming to be from my foster family. It could have been my foster father. If nothing happened then why is he messaging me. It could have been the foster mother....I don't know. But I remember she would never touch me. Even when it was time to be bathed...she would never touch me....i would just sit there in the water. That bitch knew what was going on and she didn't want anything to do with it. I just moved to another apartment. I couldn't figure out why I would wake up wanting to throw up....turns out I can't even have a straight male roommate without having nightmares. Plus they don't seem to realize what sexual abuse means. I told him that I was sexually abused and I like gay guys....I feel more comfortable around them but yet he was crazy. He would sit at the train station and wait for me to walk by going to work...I would ask him what he was doing and he would say "oh I'm just stalking you". He wrote a song about he and would play it every night. I couldn't even go out to the kitchen with out him coming out to talk and wink at me. If I like gay guys it means a hate straight guys and they make me want to throw up. Leave me alone. And the first day at work in NYC...the guy who trained me even asked if I needed a room...and he kept asking and asking and asking...finally I told the manager that i was leaving. They fired him but still there was a lack of respect for women there. They would hire untrained dishwashers and they would mixed chemicals and use too much soap...and we would run out of soap and I told the manager we were out of soap and they didn't do anything. I had to go out and buy soap from the corner store. Another time they asked me to go out and get some coriander seeds....I asked where to get them and they just told me to wander around manhattan for a shop that might have them. I looked for hours...I came back and put in my two weeks notice. I'm a dishwasher...not your bitch! Either way. Now I have been trying to make friends at gay bars and maybe find a gay guy that could love me and he could still have his boyfriend. No such luck. Its sad. So for all you orphans that have a pussy that works...there is hope for you. Cus apparently....all that matters in a relationship is sex. I have posted several craigslist ad and even been on Grindr explaining my situation. Some get mad and tell me to go to some asexual dating site. No, i like gay guys! Why would someone get so made at me trying to find love? My foster father did whatever he wanted with me....I should be able to break the rules too! Its been really tough. Not sure what is gonna happen. I did meet a really cute gay guy last week. We met up in manhattan and walked around bryant park and he held my hand. I thought did I finally find someone. But now he is going on dates every night with guys and doesn't want to hang out with me. Its heartbreaking. I know I will never have a husband....and now it seems I may never have a boyfriend. Who knows what will happen. I'm not sure what I am gonna do. Just giving you this update.

Raped at age seven

Just recently found out that the rumors of my foster father having sexually abused me are true. This is tough. Things I will have to deal with on my own. I love helping others but it seems when you have so much to deal with yourself that you can't really help others. Its sad when you are just a human being trying to make life better but people just say that you are crazy. Well what would you do in my shoes? Either way. I am just going to make big changes in life this year. Not sure what will happen but I hope all of you are doing fine. If things turn out fine I may post an update. Until then…I have become an extreme minimalist. Hopefully I will find open minds and love.

A Place for Orphans to meet Friends

Now you guys aren't gonna believe this. But I have found a place where I can go and it can become like a family. You can make friends, people look out for each other and you end up having some of the best times! Its not a church, its not a school but those both can be fun too!

ready?

Its a bar or night club! Yes really. Especially for those female orphans.

Now I don't drink but I recently started going to a local bar with a friend from high school. I just drink soda (which should be free) and tip about a dollar per drink to keep the bartenders happy. The bartenders will also look out for you and make sure no weird drunk guys bother you. After going there about once a week for a few weeks you people start to recognize you and you make friends. It becomes more like a family almost and you feel comfortable there. Like a second home.

And some of the funnest things happen there and you meet the neatest people. Just last night I met a guy who lost his arm in the war and had a hook for an arm. The first night I went there was vomit in the bathroom. There was break dancing in the lobby last week. And since its a bar, you can be or say anything you want. People always ask me my name and where I am from. I could lie and say my name is Marilyn and I am from Las Vegas and just make up a bunch of shit.

It reminds me of when I was in college I would wonder around the art building in my free time. I had gone there for about 5 years and I knew all the students and the teachers and I felt like I belonged and it was just a nice place to hang out.

There are times when I go to the bar and its like "I love this! I wish I had tried this sooner"! Some bartenders are really friendly and will look out for you. Some are very flirty and will flirt for tips. But I think thats just what a female orphan needs eery now and then. Some nice attention but you know it ain't gonna get too serious.

So there. I live in this town. The people are stupid, back-stabbing and heartless. But when I go to that club....I am welcome and I have friends and I love it! When I go there I honestly feel the happiest I have ever felt since my mom died. Its like a drug that doesn't cost much at all.

This is what I have been looking for for you guys! A haven. A place to relax, fit in, and make friends. A place to have fun and feel normal. A place to spend the holidays, and partake in fun events!

Every bar or club is different. Find one that you feel comfortable with. Go with a friend the first time. You don't have to drink. I just drink water or soda. Hang out at the bar and talk with you bartender. Some of them are the best people you will meet. Very friendly and kind. Almost like a low-budget therapist. And don't forget to tip. A family like this is priceless.

Love you guys! So glad this blog has help you! Feel free to add The Orphan Handbook on Facebook. Stay strong and NEVER give up!