Remembering the past

One thing I have noticed is it hurts when something reminds you of what you have lost. Like if a song plays and you aren't emotionally ready to deal with remembering. Its like being emotionally harassed.

But there are times when I will purposely download songs my mom listened to and it doesn't hurt as much. It actually makes me feel good. I look for pictures of my home town that remind me of old times when we were together.

So its just when we are reminded of our lost against our will that it hurts so much. But when we choose to reminisce it feels more healing and we feel more in control.

One of my last happy memories was of my mom and my sister visiting Spooky World in Berlin, Mass. It was on an old farm and I loved it so much! We stood in line for hours waiting for the hayride and listening to Tiny Tim. So now I want to surround myself with things that remind me of that time. I makes it feel like its the same life. It comforts me. I deserve to feel that way. I am not living in the past...I am linking the past with the present so I can move on.

Many people who have lost loved ones turn to drugs or even suicide. I find those things as a last resort. I will try everything else to cope before doing those things.

But listening to old songs...seeing pics of old McDonalds restaurants...pretending its always halloween....those things help me so much. Its makes life more exciting and peaceful. Halloween is my drug.

Find what comforts you and follow that. Old movies you used to watch, music helps alot, places, colors, food, smells, etc.

Build your paradise the best way you can.

I have found the thing that hurts me the most is being reminded that I am different than a lot of people. I can't call my mom whenever I want to. So instead of forgeting my mom and the way things used to be...I will forget the "normal" people who take things for granted and I will remember the way things used to be and make the past become the present.