Inevitable Grief

All month I have been crying. Not a constant crying but I am in a state where it is very easy for me to cry. I realized that my Grandmother died in February about 6 years ago. I never cried. Same thing happened when my mom died. I didn't cry until exactly 6 years later. Strange. Last night I dreamt that my Grandmother died again. I dreamt I actually got to go to her funeral. Six years ago when she really did die. I was in college. I had gotten an email from my aunt saying that Grams was in the hospital. I thought she would be okay. Then next week I got a letter in the mail saying thats to all who came to Grammys funeral and in one paragraph it said that I couldn't make it. Bull crap. I wasn't even invited.

I never cried until now. My mother never had a grave. She was cremated. I never thought about my Grandmother rotting in a coffin before now.

I never really got to talk to Grams. She was kind of a bitch. But an adult could have a conversation with her. I always wondered what made her so angry. She got skin cancer. She couldn't bath the way other people do anymore. We had to rub oil on her skin so it wouldn't cry out. She couldn't use soap because it would dry out her skin. I'm still not sure what she died from.

She was just another character of my childhood that is now gone.

I'm still reading Anderson Coopers book. Dispatches from the Edge. It makes me cry a little. I still recommend reading it. I love how I read it and see that we all do grieve in the same ways. We have dreams about our loved ones. We wonder why it happened. Flashbacks.

This weekend I will listen to my new Patsy Cline cd. My mother used to listen to her all the time. I will see if it makes me freak out or not. ya know.

And on the whole following your bliss thing of my going to NY. Its going good. I noticed that there are some "unreleased" photos of 9/11 that were on the front page of the newspaper. I find that very inappropriate. Those who lost loved ones on 9/11 are still trying to heal. And then this crap is all over the news? I hope to be living in NY before the ten year anniversary. If you want to help me get to NY you can buy the T-shirt to the right of the blog and $7 will go to me. Also if click on any of the Amazon links on this blog and buy something I will get a commission.

I'm filing my taxes this weekend. Yes, Valentine's Day is this weekend. I may get kinda lonely. But I will just write you guys. And read my book.