Friday, December 11, 2015
Well. Here is what I did. I got rid of everything except a backpack of some clothes and essentials and took a paid vacation for a week to NYC. I bought my greyhound ticket a few months in advance and so it was cheaper. Under $200. And I went. I did get a hotel. I just spent the night in gay bars (they close at 4am) then slept on trains (they run 24 hours) and then when the sun rose...I slept in central park. I looked like just some college girl resting on a bench. I went to see what the city was like. I loved the idea of not having a car and so much convenience. I couldn't stay in Tulsa. Thats were my mom died and my aunt was supposed to be my guardian....well she isn't speaking to me now. She has never visited me at any of my apartments. Either way I went back to Tulsa and I got rid of everything. I saved up a few months worth of money and put in my two weeks notice and again bought a greyhound bus ticket well in advance and this time it was one way. I took my laptop and phone and iPod and chargers. I didn't have a place to stay....just hung out at gay bars and slept in central park in the day time. I also ran around changing my phone in parks, applying for jobs, looking for a bathroom etc. I was homeless for a week and a half before a got a job as a dishwasher and then two days later got a roommate in Brooklyn. So there, that is how I moved to NYC in hopes of having a better life. My stupid aunt doesn't know where I am. My parent are dead. My brothers and sisters won't speak to me. And I am realizing how much my foster father sexually abused me until the age of seven. I always knew I was more comfortable around gay men. I love them. But sadly the ones in NYC are assholes. A lot of them hate women. So much to where there are gay bars and there are lesbian bars....there are no mixed bars like in Tulsa. I thought that in New York City I could find not only more gay men but more open minds. Maybe find some love. Ya see, sex never felt good for me. Which is probably why no one would stay with me. They wanted a real women that could really do it. In Tulsa I gave up and ran off to the gay bars. I love gay men. I don't feel scared around them. I don't really like girls. I ended up meeting a lot of bisexuals but I still wasn't interested in sex. Eventually I realized that the rumors of my foster father sexually abusing me were true. I went to the doctors for a blood test to check my thyroid medicine and they always ask if I have had my female exam. I lied every time. It was my biggest fear. I went home and wondered why was I so scared. Then I thought about how whenever I was with a boyfriend it would take a long time for me to become comfortable enough to open my legs for him to do anything. And nothing felt good. Not even oral. It hurt. Even at gay bars when the straight guys would find me I would get so scared. Even if this was all in my head....after I graduated from college I got a strange message on myspace from someone claiming to be from my foster family. It could have been my foster father. If nothing happened then why is he messaging me. It could have been the foster mother....I don't know. But I remember she would never touch me. Even when it was time to be bathed...she would never touch me....i would just sit there in the water. That bitch knew what was going on and she didn't want anything to do with it. I just moved to another apartment. I couldn't figure out why I would wake up wanting to throw up....turns out I can't even have a straight male roommate without having nightmares. Plus they don't seem to realize what sexual abuse means. I told him that I was sexually abused and I like gay guys....I feel more comfortable around them but yet he was crazy. He would sit at the train station and wait for me to walk by going to work...I would ask him what he was doing and he would say "oh I'm just stalking you". He wrote a song about he and would play it every night. I couldn't even go out to the kitchen with out him coming out to talk and wink at me. If I like gay guys it means a hate straight guys and they make me want to throw up. Leave me alone. And the first day at work in NYC...the guy who trained me even asked if I needed a room...and he kept asking and asking and asking...finally I told the manager that i was leaving. They fired him but still there was a lack of respect for women there. They would hire untrained dishwashers and they would mixed chemicals and use too much soap...and we would run out of soap and I told the manager we were out of soap and they didn't do anything. I had to go out and buy soap from the corner store. Another time they asked me to go out and get some coriander seeds....I asked where to get them and they just told me to wander around manhattan for a shop that might have them. I looked for hours...I came back and put in my two weeks notice. I'm a dishwasher...not your bitch! Either way. Now I have been trying to make friends at gay bars and maybe find a gay guy that could love me and he could still have his boyfriend. No such luck. Its sad. So for all you orphans that have a pussy that works...there is hope for you. Cus apparently....all that matters in a relationship is sex. I have posted several craigslist ad and even been on Grindr explaining my situation. Some get mad and tell me to go to some asexual dating site. No, i like gay guys! Why would someone get so made at me trying to find love? My foster father did whatever he wanted with me....I should be able to break the rules too! Its been really tough. Not sure what is gonna happen. I did meet a really cute gay guy last week. We met up in manhattan and walked around bryant park and he held my hand. I thought did I finally find someone. But now he is going on dates every night with guys and doesn't want to hang out with me. Its heartbreaking. I know I will never have a husband....and now it seems I may never have a boyfriend. Who knows what will happen. I'm not sure what I am gonna do. Just giving you this update.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Just recently found out that the rumors of my foster father having sexually abused me are true. This is tough. Things I will have to deal with on my own. I love helping others but it seems when you have so much to deal with yourself that you can't really help others. Its sad when you are just a human being trying to make life better but people just say that you are crazy. Well what would you do in my shoes? Either way. I am just going to make big changes in life this year. Not sure what will happen but I hope all of you are doing fine. If things turn out fine I may post an update. Until then…I have become an extreme minimalist. Hopefully I will find open minds and love.