Thursday, April 26, 2012
Dying dad that you never met
Tough times. Just found out that my dad who I have never met is in the hospital...they think he may not make it. Its a weird feeling. Some distant relatives who i barely know were nice enough to let me know. I feel sad and kinda happy. I kinda wish I could go see him but I know he probably doesn't want what. I hope he is relatively happy. I think he did what he wanted to do in life. Sometimes not really knowing someone is best...then you can think anything you want about them. Its when you really know someone for who they are is when you could really hate them. I wrote him a letter a few years ago. I dunno if he got it. It said that I forgive him and that he can talk to me anytime if he wants. I never heard back. I never expected him to welcome me with open arms...I know how men are. I hope to use this to help others who may be in similar situations.
Its tough. I cry. I wonder what my dead mom would think or say. What will things be like after he is gone? Will life somehow be easier? Will it be harder? Will it be the same? Will I feel relief? Will his ghost visit me? Will I be angry that I never got to meet him? Will I regret not visit him or trying harder to find him?
It sucks how few people understand us and what we go through. But I think it helps to blog when there are tough times. And let others know they are not alone.
Its stupid because I want to go to his funeral...not out of spite but because I may feel more complete and or normal and also I get to "meet" him.
I have been wanting to write more on here. I hope to more in the future. Stay strong and remember I think about you guys whenever I have hard times. I think "I can't give up...I must find an easier way of life for us so it will be easier for them". Remember to live your life in a way that would make your parents proud. And never let the closed minded normal people get you down. There is nothing wrong with you because you miss your parents or because life is more difficult for you. Just means you are normal really.
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2 comments:
Mine was more painful. After searching my father for 20 years, it was too late to know that he is dead. I met him, already lying on his casket at at the funeral. I felt double the pain.
Thank you Chelsea for this post and for this blog. I hear much of the voice in my head when reading what you wrote. I recently found my father's grave was in Arlington Nat'l Cemetary; I haven't gone to see it, not yet... I've done a great deal of reflecting on what I'm supposed to make of what happened to me; and I have been very angry at Life and God for what was taken from me, but slowly, I have come to the understanding (and I do mean slowly) that it is that anger that trips us up more than the actual loss of our parents, it does for me anyway.. If it helps, I found that learning about my parents' lives and family histories helped me a great deal in finally feeling that I came from someplace, that I wasn't just adrift in the world, and the best part was that I didn't need to know my parents for that, a friend looked up my ancestry online from the few facts that I had and the story of where I came from became clear, and it's a good story. And I felt a weight lifted. I still have my moments; the truth is we are not normal people; we've experienced what most do not, and because of it we are different..and I'm beginning to see it's my own acceptance of that I'm looking for more than anyone else's... Thank you again for this blog; you've helped...
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