Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Remembering the past

One thing I have noticed is it hurts when something reminds you of what you have lost. Like if a song plays and you aren't emotionally ready to deal with remembering. Its like being emotionally harassed.

But there are times when I will purposely download songs my mom listened to and it doesn't hurt as much. It actually makes me feel good. I look for pictures of my home town that remind me of old times when we were together.

So its just when we are reminded of our lost against our will that it hurts so much. But when we choose to reminisce it feels more healing and we feel more in control.

One of my last happy memories was of my mom and my sister visiting Spooky World in Berlin, Mass. It was on an old farm and I loved it so much! We stood in line for hours waiting for the hayride and listening to Tiny Tim. So now I want to surround myself with things that remind me of that time. I makes it feel like its the same life. It comforts me. I deserve to feel that way. I am not living in the past...I am linking the past with the present so I can move on.

Many people who have lost loved ones turn to drugs or even suicide. I find those things as a last resort. I will try everything else to cope before doing those things.

But listening to old songs...seeing pics of old McDonalds restaurants...pretending its always halloween....those things help me so much. Its makes life more exciting and peaceful. Halloween is my drug.

Find what comforts you and follow that. Old movies you used to watch, music helps alot, places, colors, food, smells, etc.

Build your paradise the best way you can.

I have found the thing that hurts me the most is being reminded that I am different than a lot of people. I can't call my mom whenever I want to. So instead of forgeting my mom and the way things used to be...I will forget the "normal" people who take things for granted and I will remember the way things used to be and make the past become the present.


Sarah said...

I am finding myself doing the same thing. I'm against turning to drugs too. My dad was bad about that from what I've been told, and any relative I know of that indulged didn't do so well. So I've always kind of been afraid to start.
One of my mom's big hobbies was genealogy. It's a pet theory of mine that her family search had a lot to do with the fact that her dad wasn't around when she was growing up. The older I get (I turned 30 this May) the more I find myself turning to the same pastime. She died 13 years ago, and while she was alive I never quite understood the attraction. Now doing a seemingly mundane research task makes me feel connected to her somehow. I also agree with your views on music and feeling different. It's just so hard sometimes, and you don't really feel free to talk to anyone about it because you know they won't understand. Anyway, glad to see you posted again :)

Sarah said...

Oh and a definite yes on the Facebook account :)

patrice said...

thank you so much for your list of famous orphans, i copied them all by hand into my phone, so I can be reminded that the people who have touched me in my life, who have touched so many others, could probably do so because of their profound understanding of loss.

I feel your pain, losing your mom. I'm sorry. I lost my dad when I was 11yo, and my mom was never really available to me as a mom because she was mentally ill, i took care of her as a teenager, and didn't really think of myself as an orphan because my mom was in the house, but she wasn't "there" at all, I watched her mind deteriorate. Being without parents hurts like nobody's business, I'm so glad you created your blog.

KR said...

Thank you for your blog. I lost my mom at 15 and my dad at 16 years old. I don't have any family. Your words help me feel a little less alone in this world. I appreciate it.


Brandon Ruse said...

I'm an orphan. I have troubles with finding who I am and where I belong. I'm 27 my mom died 6 years ago and my dad when I was 16. It's tough for me to branch out out of fear of abandonment and neglect. Anyway I will take the time to read all your posts. I'm Brandon, it's nice to meet you :)