Saturday, February 6, 2010

Emotional Progress of an orphan

Last week was a bad and good week for me. I posted an article on foods that help you cope with grief. I kept a can of cashews in my desk at work. At first it was nice but I have been crying a whole lot more than usual. I'm not sure why. I've noticed that the month of August and February tend to be hard months for me. Last year I got a puppy. I regret it now. He costs a lot but I want to keep him. Its always good to keep a journal. Then you can look back a year ago and see if you have gotten more emotionally stable.

One trigger of my grief could have been that I was about to go on a date with a guy. And I have never been on a date. I am clue-less. I don't know how to dress etc. I cried wishing my mom and I could go out together and find a cute outfit for me. I went to the Salvation Army on Wednesday (half price day) and didn't really find anything. I looked at the shoes since I have trouble walking in heals. Turns out I have very small feet. All the shoes were a size 7. I am just a size 5. Sometimes I think since my mom died when I was 15, I look and sound like a 15 year old. But as I was looking at the shoes a pair caught my eye. I saw the name Vanderbilt. And realized they were made by Gloria Vanderbilt, Anderson Coopers mother.

Let me tell you about Gloria Vanderbilt. Her father died when she was only about 15 months old and her mother was kinda crazy. Gloria ended up with her aunt and sent off to a boarding school. Gloria is awesome. She is a designer, author and artist and much more. I'm thinking of reading her bio after I Finish Anderson Coopers Autobiography. Yes, I started reading Dispatched From the Edge. And yes I have cried. But I don't think the book is what has been making me sad. I love that book. That way he thinks is so much like how i think. You really must get a copy.

He talks about how there is a distinct separation from before his father died and then after. I feel the same way. Its like two different lives that you are living. AD and BC. He says that when his father died, his life restarted. I look back and my childhood with my mom seems like a total different world. I wonder what it is like for others who have a childhood that just blends into their adulthood. When they visit their parents, doesn't it still feel like a childhood? Everyone from my childhood is gone. Mom, Grammy, my sis has moved away and never talks to me anymore. Its all gone. I think about how things were. How surreal, prefect, and full of life it was. I wonder why is it still in my head? What is its purpose? I hope for my life to somehow be like that again. Blue skies, whale watches, Canada, art, trains, McDonalds, snow and tall ships. Now its just cloudy days, a crappy economy and racist rednecks who can't spell or drive.

Back to shopping. I did get the shoes made by Gloria Vanderbilt even thought they don't fit. They look cool. I know it sounds crazy that I did that or weird but I still thought it was cool. It means something to me. To anyone else they are just shoes. But to me its shoes made by a great woman who has experienced loss. The shoes are inspiring. To walk in someone else's shoes.

The guy I was supposed to go on a date with had me call him a few days earlier. Yes, I know he should have called me. I guess I just wasted 40 minutes on him. He was cute but way too normal. He asked about my mom and dad and I told him. I think I need someone who has lost a loved one. Not someone who has a huge family etc. Anyways he was extremely boring. I told him he is a nice guy but I don't think we have anything in common.

I'm gonna try something for you guys. I heard on the radio that there is some Pasty Cline tribute going on in town. And it reminded me of how my mom loved to listen to her. So I went ahead and ordered a cd of Pasty Cline. I will see if it brings healing when I listen to it or freaks me out. Of course it will make me cry. And keep in mind my mom has been gone for over ten years. I don't recommend this for someone who just lost someone. Hek, maybe mom will hear the songs and visit. I'll keep you posted.

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