Sunday, February 7, 2010

Why can't I stop crying?

I usually write several articles on the weekend and post one each day. But this weekend has been different. I usually only cry one week out of the month. But recently I can't stop crying. I'm still not sure why. I am still reading Anderson Coopers Book "Dispatches From the Edge". That may be it. I don't want that to be the reason. I love reading it.

But my friend from College has been writing me. We usually write each week. She has been really upset lately. Saying she hates her job and hates the way things are. I recently read in Anderson Coopers Book that he asked his mother what he should do with his life. She told him to follow his bliss. I thought about that and how I also hate the way things are. I did some research and my friend and I are going to move to NY in a few years. I plan on writing a more in depth article on following your bliss. All orphans need to do that. It almost feels like my mother is guiding me. Every morning I wake up wondering what to do with my life. Especially wanting to change the world. But waking up knowing that I am going to go to NY makes me very happy. It makes me feel full of bliss and so I should follow it.

My whole life I have only been able to know when bad things would happen. I would get a feeling that my car wouldn't make it through college and sure enough I would get in a car accident. It would be totaled and I would have to get a new car. That is just one example.

But now I am excited. Sure it could be rough. But you guys know I can get through anything. Times are tough now. I think all orphans can get through anything.

My friend and I want to try to make progress with our art. I always have graphic design jobs to fall back on. Possibly some modeling. There seems to be a lot of jobs in NY. We just need to save up so we can get there.

I also want to try to find an orphan of 9/11. I was looking on Google Street View and saw the fire station across the street from ground zero where my brother was taking a test to become a firefighter. He is okay. He is retired and married now. But I remember he said they had to evacuate the building when it happened. duh.

Perhaps I am crying because my mother is "talking" to me. After someone dies we cry like crazy. Maybe our loved ones are talking to us. Maybe its a connection. Its been overwhelming lately. I haven't changed my diet. I'm not sure what is causing all this crying.

There are things I will have to go through that will make me cry. Like the last time I rode in a taxi was the day my mom went to the hospital. I just wanted to stay home so I just sat in my room and missed the bus. Mom said I have to go to school I really didn't want to. She would always let me stay home if I wanted. But that time she called a taxi since we had just moved to Oklahoma and we didn't have a car. The taxi picked me up and I cried quietly the way to school. I cried through my first class....second class....third...and then in fourth class they called me to the office and told me that my mom was in the hospital and that I will be going home to my aunts for the rest of the week. So riding in a taxi again will make me cry. Also flying a plane. Last time I flew was with my mom from Boston to Oklahoma. Thats REALLY GONNA HURT. I hate planes anyways. Also leaving the place where mom died. I'm not sure how that will affect me. She has no grave so that helps.

It will be an awesome journey. And I hope it will help all you guys.

So moving will be good for me, my friend, and this blog. Also I am still crying. Not sure why. Maybe once it ends I will figure it out and let you guys know.

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