Well. I was recently sent a letter from a relative and it contained an address saying that my dad just moved back to the US. I have never met my dad or had any contact with him. I had heard that he was living in Hong Kong for the past several years. But now that I had his new address, I figured why not write to him? I don't expect him to write back. I don't expect him to be kind if he does write back. But what do I say?
I don't understand men. Some like to read a lot. Some don't. Do I write a lot or keep it short and simple. Should I say that I think he is my dad or talk about my dad in third person?
I know I want to tell him that I am not mad at him. I got that down. Told him that mom is dead. Told him that I don't want money. I dunno. I know he doesn't want to be reminded of mom.
This is so much more than I have ever asked for. All I wanted was pictures of him and to learn a little bit about him. I got pictures and info with the help of a few distant relatives. But this is so strange that I am given this opportunity to write my dad. I cry not tears of grief nor tears of joy. Just tears of surprise I guess. Just overwhelmed of how painful my life has been. What would mom think? To know that I got to write to dad.
I finally decided to write him saying that I am not mad at him and that I love him. Even though he hasn't been in my life and that he may be mad that I say that he is my father. Even though when he first saw me in my mothers arms he asked her for a dollar. I still say I love him. If he has had a change in heart then he will be please to hear that I love him. If he is still a jerk then he will be mad that I say that I love him. Perfect.
I didn't ask him any questions. So I am not left hanging. But told him that he can write me back if he wants someone to talk to. He is about 75 years old. And with this harsh cold winter who knows if he is still alive.
I sent the letter about a week ago. I am writing this assuming he may never write back. If he does write back I will let you guys know. I will cry again. Its like someone coming back from the dead. I have never had any contact with him and been an orphan for over ten years and now I am able to write a letter to my dad? I get to have the last word? I think perhaps God knew I would not write words of hate to my dad. So He gave me a chance to say something.
I always try to understand why people do what they do. And forgive. They don't know any better.
I also wrote something else. I wrote Goodbye. Just incase he never wrote back. Funny because I don't think I wrote hello. Just I am not mad at you, I love you, Goodbye. Goodbye so I am not left hanging.
I hope mom would be proud. Could you imagine? Leaving a daughter in the US and coming back decades later and getting a letter from her finding out she has been orphaned and yet she still loves you and isn't mad at you. Pain makes us human. Pain makes us care. Pain is how our hearts grow.